Tokyo or bust

The most important interview I've had to date, and probably my last, took place on the greyest day I've seen in Tokyo yet. I'm not a firm believer in signs but compared to the previous months interview preparations everything was going according to plan. Shoes were remembered, tie was decrinklified, Issey Miyake was found under my leprechaun suit and the night bus was ruled out as a means from A to B. My presentation was meticulously polished and buffed with the best font Word has to offer, there was going to be no stopping me.

I arrived on time, had a glass of water and re-read over my notes readying myself for the next hour or so. This time around I was faced with two interviewers, one from the previous effort and now joined by his co-director. The questions were rifled in at a dizzying pace. Repeated questions in different guises were thrown in to send me off balance and before long I'd finished the glass of water I'd been gulping down. My mouth was dryer than a German comedians stand-up routine and I hadn't gotten into my presentation yet. I was bubbling red under my sunburned skin and edges were beginning to fray away from my immaculate coif. With my tongue gluing itself to the roof of my mouth at the end of every sentence I zoomed through my piece as quickly as possible only stumbling when I mentioned the fact that I'd heard about their $50m embezzlement charges. That got 'em a little tetchy and in their opinion warranted an explanation, the room was heating up now. Every point was twiddled with and the slurry of questions continued to pour in. After a bruising hour where I'd been scorched under the spotlight in the hardest interview of my life my ideas seem to have been well received and I can neither say I feel positive or negative about the experience. IN a sadistic way I kind of enjoyed it, but I can't help feeling it's not going to go my way.

I headed for the freaks in Harajuku to veer the mind away from thinking too much about the interview. A couple of random purchases eased the pain like a hit of crack in the morning. I headed towards the station for the 2hr journey out to LadySnappers new abode. Tokyo rush hour is not for the claustrophobic as each train car looked like a scene from Where's Wally. Eventually the train emptied a little and I was face to face with some copper toned mid-40's cowboy boot wearing skank whore who scratched her fish net stockings whilst staring at me for the remaining hour or so of the journey out to LadySnappers slice of rural life. She ruined the taste of my strawberry cheesecake and fruit smoothie, the bitch.

LadySnapper rolled on up to the station in a box on wheels and proceeded to tell me the redeeming factors of his new abode. With a nationwide reputation for having the most hostess bars, that offer the widest range of services this town was famous for blow-jobs, hand-jobs, rim-jobs and beyond. We drove down one of the shadier streets where we were greeted by a line of bowing guys standing by corners who are basically pimps trying to get you in for a quick suck'n'fuck with one of their girls. Why can't the Nohe be a little more like that place? We soon ended up in the familiar position of nomihodai and karaoke in a sleazy bar with nicotine painted on the walls. FriendOrFoe was also out as well as some other key members of the GunmaCrew, including the Gunma1. If they Iwate 4 think they've had a bad time of it they should talk to this guy. Some crazy black skank that got bitter after he thrust one into her on a couple of occasions informed the police that he was on possession of some weed. They raided his house; he spent two months in jail with some yakuza types and a renegade Sri Lankan. He was on the TV news and in the newspapers, all for less weed than it takes to roll a joint. This country has serious issues. He was a bit sleazy though after he reveled in telling me how he fucked five whores in five nights in Bali, each to their own I suppose.

We ripped up that bar and mingled with the random Brazilians singing The Doors and the local fodder blurbing out Beatles tracks by the dozen. Soon after we found ourselves with the King of Sukebi (sleaze) in an empty izakaya which was more than happy to feed us some more booze. We were thrashed at sake drinking, darts flinging and arm wrestling by their posse but still left with our heads held high ion the morning sunshine. LadySnapper somehow drove us back to his place where I passed out till the next day.

The following night it was Tokyo highlife. We met up with RonnieRatsTail one of LadySnappers University buddies and headed in on the two hour express with beers in tow. Apparently the worlds 2nd best DJ was playing at worlds best club that night so there was no option on where we were going. I'd arranged to meet a girl I'd met in Osaka who'd put us on the guest list at the same place where they have a bikini party but blew her off after it was unanimously decided that we'd head to Womb. I had to endure the painfully boring England game in a crowd mildly enthused crowd of partisan supporters so managed to pour as much beer down my gullet as possible in two hours. After the goodbye to OsakanMentalist we headed for some cheap wine at the convenience store and swigged it down at the entrance to one of Shibuyas not so pristine love hotels.

I've written about Womb too many times for it to be worthy of another review, but this place for it's rectangular design and steely complexion wears a different dress every time it goes dancing and this time was no different. We were starving and hadn't eaten any cake so I decided to see if I could find some. The first person I asked if he knew if I could get anything to eat was looking like he was after having a little bit too much too eat and handed me a packet of chocolate coated M&M's...for free. Apples. It wasn't a full bag but we were hungry enough and it saved me going out to the store to buy some. We quickly became part of the dancing membrane that coated the floor under the pulsing lasers. Sweat rained on everyone as the beats competed with the crowd to be the most energetic presence. Maybe RonnieRatsTail had had a little too much to eat and had to sit down for a little while. LadySnapper and I got lost in ourselves and the crowd as the smoke enveloped all and left you isolated amongst the mass. Sweat poured out of every pore and I was completely drenched from head to toe and my legs felt like they each had a midget wrapped around them. LadySnapper had disappeared with some of the local fodder for an exchange of fluids and RonnieRatsTail was nowhere to be seen so at 6a.m. I called it a day and crawled from the womb into the light, gasping at the fresh air and stumbling towards the station. I somehow made it to the station before passing out and managed to exchange my ticket for the first train back home.

Back in the Nohe I started to wonder what was going to happen over the next couple of months. Teaching English holds as much appeal as smearing a q-tip in alcohol, lighting it on fire and then squeezing it into my japs eye. The interview result should be in by the end of this week and if nothing comes of it it looks like it's a return to homebase before devising the next plan of attack on another unsuspecting nation. It certainly is Tokyo or bust this time.