Saving Nepal, single handedly

The thought of children not having the opportunity to receive an education in a bricks and mortar venue inspired this post. Word of a fundraising quiz had filtered its way into my inbox, I duly obliged.

Apart from helping the poor, unfortunate and badly dressed children of Nepal it was a chance to run a sociological survey, of sorts, over the inmates of neighbouring wards, oh and get hammered.

The weekend kicked off on Friday evening with T, TheCorpse and TheImmigrant making the trek to the Nohe although it was almost Saturday morning after T's sense of direction almost led him to downtown Okinawa. BrassBalls joined us, too. The plan was to nomihodai our faces off and then back to mine for the World Cup quarter-final. The retards arrived so late we had no choice but to shove two hours worth of nomihodai into just under an hour. We gave it our best shot. I spray puked the bathroom. TheImmigrant dithered over every drink. We were on a full tank of hops and sugar when we reached the Pool Bar, last time I was there I had bawled my eyes out and crawled out at 7 in the morning shunning the advances of SluttyWaitress. As we walked in I got a nice 'Hey, RunningMan'(makin your way in the world today sure does take a lot, taking away from all your worries sure would help a lot, wouldn't you like to get away...sometimes you gotta go where everyboooody knows your naaaaaame, and they’re always glad you caaaame. I miss cheers) from GlassEyedBarman and a cheeky smile from SluttyWaitress. We set about watching the game with TheCorpse immediately passing out. We turned around at one point to catch two of the barfly's group groping SluttyWaitress's breasts; BrassBalls was deeply disappointed at having missed out on it. The match ended but the group had well fizzled out long before and we set about returning back to sleep with Blankie.

After picking up PrivateScouser from the shink station we set about taking the longest way possible to the quiz venue by Lake Towada, Aomori prefecture. I was eager to get there as quickly as possible so I could help the Nepalese kids. The hotel smelled of incontinent grannies, but if I was helping the Nepalese children it didn't matter where I'd be resting my head. We teamed up with the rest of the RedSocks: TheFlamingTits, BlondeAndBlue, CongenialScot and TheCunningLinguist. CongenialScot was looking a tad like TheImmigrant sporting a bling Jesus round his neck, TheImmigrant was understandably jealous of the $5 accessory CongenialScot had been given by a student. Dinner was relatively edible, in the sense that I now take 10% as being a good figure of what I can eat on a Japanese plate. I met a few familiar faces and one in particular who I'd been waiting to meet for a while; BeligerentCountryman. I hadn't seen him since the beaches of Thailand where we were high, as kites, on life (sit down there O'Brien) and listening to JohnnyAwesome teach us all about his favourite land, sea and air animals.

BeligerentCountryman had similar stories of Tokyo, and beyond, to share and an even more vented opinion on JET life than I did, nice and refreshing. Post-dinner we volunteered for the traditional dance that was organised. We got kitted out in the usual attire and made our way to the lobby for the performance. I spotted a wheelchair, which I took and sat in. We walked out hand in hand; well I was wheeled out, for the gathered mass. The non-PC tone of my act was evident in the faces of many, others laughed but everyone realised I was there to help save the children of Nepal so it was all good. I wiggled on wheels to the taiko beats being doled out by the 4year old drummer boy.

In any quiz I've been at I've found that having a Japanese person or a Japan-freak is a marked advantage, e.g. WeirdestManOnThePlanetAndNotInAGoodWayOhMyGodHeIsSuchAFreak
IAmScaredAtHis PotentialToSpawnAndKeepHisGenePoolAlive, although having the latter on our team the last time proved no use as he ran off only to phone us telling us he was wearing no pants. Anyway, we were three points down in every round as a result of being sans Jap 'cos the first bonus question was a Japanese question. Not that I'm making excuses or anything but we probably would've won had it not been for those questions and the non-quiz like bonus rounds where people had to ridiculuos, but funny, tasks such as draw Homer Simpson with a crayon in their mouth or wrestle someone with their legs, quiz my ass. But I was helping to build a school in Nepal and that's what really counts. Our team had a healthy, knowledgeable cast and was certainly not missing the cocky sways of FlirtyShoulders who obviously suffers from the Lake Wobegon effect. Well, she was missed for one question about her homeland, and maybe by a certain party in the team but other than that she was missed like a British farmer misses foot-and-mouth.

At times the atmosphere in the quiz hall was like a freshman frat party, being led by one absolute hideous creation of an American. A walking Abercrombie&Fitch advertisement, minus any of the good looks, he high-fived all and sundry and said “dude” quite a lot. I should have put everyone out of their misery and killed him with a butter knife but TheFlamingTits somehow seems to think he is quite different whilst sober. He got lucky, this time. BeligerentCountryman was busy abusing people and walking around with smoke in mouth, wine in left hand and water pistol in right hand. Eventually everybody at the quiz was pissed. T had passed out on TheCorpses lap and when we tried to wake him he directed a full force karate chop towards his dead girlfriend’s jugular. Made certain to mental note that one; 'do not wake T up whilst sleeping as he is liable to kill his own mother’. The quiz ended I think, as I have no real recollection of events from this point on. I know we didn't get to do our group performance which was hands down going to win. A series of bare asses with 'vote for us please' scrawled on them, there was no way we could lose if the clap-o-meter was judging. We'll just never know.

We made it just in time for the England game kick-off. On the way to the 'soccer room' we bumped into some blatant whore who's hoovered more cum out of penises than vacuum cleaners have floor lint. She stopped us and asked where we were from, we told her Iwate, and she said "You guys are from Iiiiiiiiiiiwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate? Oooooooooooooooh". It's good to know our good reputation has traveled well around the archipelago. You would never have guessed there was a World Cup quarter-final on in that room. People laid back and calm as if they were watching a documentary on the entrepreneurial wizard behind cocktail umbrellas. We tried to drum up some atmosphere until one of the girls in front of us asked us to stay quiet as she was concentrating on the game. I was lost for words. How do you respond to someone asking you to stay quiet during a football game? Obviously first thoughts were glass her and burn the body, but I've gotten accustomed to that sort of person here in Iwate and it was good to know that it wasn't only my prefecture that got stuck with absolute losers. The game passed as did England’s chances of the World Cup, and my chances of winning World Cup Dream Team as half myplayers said auf wiedersehen with the demise of Argentina and England.

Leaving the ecstatic, atmospherically charged, 'soccer room' we started looking for a party in some of the rooms but being the JET programme most people had gone to sleep early hoping that the next day would be a rainbow filled day of hap-hap-happy internationalisation and ego-buffering by parading around Japanese people and basking in the attention of being different. We raided enough rooms to realise nothing was gonna happen so we decided to take it back to our room. On the way back we met three stragglers from Aomori looking for something to do as well. One of them suggested mixed onsen. Two minutes later we were all naked boozing under the morning sun. The onsen was an over-sized bucket filled with tepid vaginal fluid by the looks of it. We’d most likely gotten in on the wrong end of some inter-JET copulation exchanging, and discharging, of prefectural juices. It also had a strange brown hue to it too, but the only floaters I noticed were TheFlamingTits breasts. Had she been aboard the Titanic it would now be doing pleasure cruises off of Southampton. Occasioanly my hands or elbows would brush against a breast, not purposely I might add, as it was extremley difficult to maintain balance in the small tub.

TheImmigrant was the first to get out which was a surprise since he is normally the last person to do anything. I've never seen anyone dither so much. He could actually dither in complete happiness on an infinite radial plane without it ever bothering him. We took our eye off him for two seconds in the Nohe train station and found him dithering by the shinkansen ticket dispenser for ten minutes, and he wasn't even getting on a train. In the small hours PrivateScouser got to engage in some field-ops on TheFlamingTits own landmines and crept into her foxhole from some deep, behind the lines, penetration. It had been 11months in the making for TheFlamingTits and in the morning she was on Cloud 9 praising the Lord, Jesus and anyone that crossed her gaze. It also turned out that we didn't finish last in the quiz, we finished second last. We can't even lose properly. Boo to us.

The next day we pulled a group dither around the lakeshore in the rain taking in the few attractions before we set off back on the road to Iwate. It was good to finally realise that Iwate is not just a unique case of a prefecture being over flooded with socially inept morons from Alberta and beyond and that others have had to suffer the same fate as the brave few here in the Iwate State Penitentiary. It was a successful night all round with some getting their bit, others pining for a bit, me prepared to wait for a bit and most-of all everyone doing their bit. Whatever fun we had that weekend we'll never be able to quantify against the happiness and profound changes we helped forge into the lives of Nepalese children.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net